Built to Last: School as a Generational Business

I spent 13 months in business school – not the traditional collegiate course of study, but the practical, day to day, on-the-job training of leading a private school in the highly competitive world of in-town Atlanta.  The constant pressure on performance, weekend conference calls, 6am to 8pm (or later) work schedule, tactical execution of goals, strategic co-worker alliances, demanding clients, technological efficiency, and the ever present reality of traffic – cell phone traffic, email traffic, traffic in the manic caffeine lines at Starbucks, not to mention ordinary traffic keeping you from home, warm dinner, and normalized blood pressure.

For a guy who likes pizza, milkshakes, and riding his John Deere while reflecting on colorful sunsets, grass texture, shades of brown in sandstone, and the timeless principles which God superintends every second to keep His creation in order and His people maturing, I found it difficult to strive toward a grand and glorious vision amid the warp-speed business culture of Atlanta.  And, God does specially create many men and women to thrive in just that climate.  Awash in wonder for their gifts, I still marvel at some of the amazing Christians I met in Atlanta.

In reflecting on those thirteen months, I recall the urban, work-a-day world all a fuss regarding Good to Great, the #1 bestselling work of professor, researcher, and author, Jim Collins (His first work, Built to Last, inspired a great following.). In the early years of this new millennium, he again stirred the business world to reconsider what makes a business last from one generation to the next.  Such companies as Johnson & Johnson, American Express, Proctor & Gamble, 3M, and Ford, which influence the world in which we and our children live are some of the corporations which Mr. Collins highlights as having strong core foundations and practices.

For one timeless moment in thirteen months, the heart of Atlanta skipped a beat – a coronary blip lasting long enough for many to pause and consider enduring principles:  those ideas, concepts, and practices which make something last beyond our lifetime.  Capturing moments like these can reform a culture.  Collins’ three key points which serve as the skeleton for his astute conclusions in a way parallel some key core concepts of Christian education:  Disciplined People, Disciplined Thought, and Disciplined Action.

Throughout a student’s experience in my schools,  I pray that he or she will have been disciplined and nurtured by mentors modeling Christian disciplines and virtues (Purity, Love, Devotion, Worship, Moderation, Giving, Work, Worship, etc.), exhorting and shaping wisdom, discernment, and reasoning, and compelling and fostering compassion, service, and ministry.  Amid bottom-line pressures, contemporary businesses rarely consider timelessness and eternal truth, but for my school and schools like her, daily trafficking in the timeless core principles are the focus, the goal, the rhythm, the relational gear grease, sticks and stone which bespeak a foundation built to last.  May God build an educational testimony through us to last for generations beyond us and our grandchildren.

Boys Will Be Men: Foolish Talk

In my 12 years of school administration, I have from time to time had to speak with an entire class full of boys to lay down some clear guidelines about speech.  A year ago, I met with a classroom full of 2^nd grade boys; I remember meeting with a class full of 3^rd graders 11 years ago. The stories, knowledge and expectations I shared in each situation are necessarily shared from time to time with elementary school students – particularly boys. Note: this article is very specific in its language in order to be clear; I apologize in advance the crude terminology below. I share this so that parents can be aware and visit with their children regarding this information so that home and school are on the same page.

When I give this talk to boys, they almost always have some good laughs because I give it to them with seriousness and realistic situations. Because the young boys are hearing from a “headmaster”, aka the serious dude who likely smokes a pipe, never makes mistakes, is always serious, and has plaid sports coats with leather elbow patches hanging in his closets, they can’t help but be cracked up by the awkward tension inherent in the topic. At the end, I challenge all the boys to assent – to man up to my demands and expectations; they almost always seem to do that. Maybe we dads need to do this more with our children! We must call our young boys to manhood! Many of you have already had these conversations with your boys; if not, then maybe today is the day to cover this ground or reaffirm it. Boys will not be boys.  Boys will be men and men need to rise to high standards rather than be passive toward our responsibilities and influence.

 Ephesians 5:4: “…let it not even be named among you neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor coarse jesting, which are not fitting…”

Colossians 2: 6-8: “Likewise exhort the young men to be sober-minded, in all things showing yourself to be a pattern of good works… [and] sound speech that cannot be condemned, that one who is an opponent may be ashamed, having nothing evil to say of you.”

1.  Coarse Joking 1 – Coarse Jesting: There is to be no potty talk at school. Potty talk is talking about bodily functions: poop, pee, gas/tooting, burping, etc. These are off limit subjects and not worthy of a gentlemen – especially at work or around ladies. I was very pointed that yes, sometimes I laugh when a toot occurs at home; however, I always tell my children that passing gas in public places is rude and thoughtless of the comfort of others. The thoughtful thing is to excuse oneself from the public in such a case. PG movies almost always emphasize these things as funny; sincerely, the culture is working against this goal of developing gentlemen. And, clearly the Bible represents that coarse jesting does not glorify God.

2.  Coarse Joking 2 – Uncleanness/Filthiness: There is to be no talk about private body parts.  Boys are particularly tempted to discuss their backsides or front-sides or their underwear.  This is private and is only for the family discussions.  We do not use the word ‘butt’ at school (though in one school I worked, the kindly, fun, gentle, grandmotherly Kindergarten teacher would say, “Ok, everyone sit on your butts!” I cringed when I heard that she said that in school!).  Curse words and slang are often words having to do with unclean bodily functions, private activities, or body terms. Look up the word “dork” in a dictionary and you’ll see what I mean.

3.  Coarse Joking 3 – Foolish Talking:  There is to be no malicious or off-color teasing, taunting, or ‘trash talk.’  Teasing is a delicate subject because a wit or humor can be involved among close friends like a playful repartee; however, your boys are too immature to understand this social skill and need clear boundaries. That is why we often say “no teasing” [PERIOD].  For instance, I told the boys that in my house from time to time, a child will ask me, “Daddy, will you play a game with me?” To which I might respond with my tongue in cheek, a twinkle in my eye, and a tauntingly wry grin, “Sure, if you want to lose.” I then smile and say, “I’m being silly. That’s trash talk. Let’s have fun and may the best Trainor win!”  This is Trainor talk and Trainees (my four children) are not allowed to talk like that at school.

Foolish talking has become a little more dark with each generation it seems. I surmise this is a result of passive parenting and cultural influence (TV, Movies, Poor Parenting next door and around the neighborhood, lack of a clear concept of what a hero or gentlemen is, violent video games, passive teachers who are tired of the fighting these character issues), and we sinners often ignore it and do not address it. We need to address it when it happens. For instance, one day a boy admitted that he said the following to another boy in line, “Wouldn’t it be funny if I knocked your head off with this ball?”  Another boy said, “No. It is not funny to chop someone’s head off nor is it possible to do it with a ball (I smiled inside at that last comment; I love how logical little ones can be.).”  I applauded the one boy for his honest admission of his foolish taunt and the other boy for his confronting it.  The boy who thought it was funny learned that what he was talking about was evil, violent, wicked, and sinister. Normal Christian men do not think killing or decapitating another human being is funny.

When these opportunities arise, I tell boys several stories to accentuate my points – examples of what is appropriate and inappropriate. Hopefully the stories connected with them and gave them examples of things not to say or do.  We also talk about things we should talk about: adventure, sports, nature, honor, learning, bravery, games, etc. Finally, I vehemently warn them that they will be punished for using vulgar terms or improper teasing, taunting, or foolish talk.

Finally, Jesus said, “But those things which proceed out of the mouth come from the heart…”(Matthew 15:18a). The child who is habitually using foolish talk is giving evidence of the condition of his heart.  Therefore, parents who neglect this sick condition of their child’s heart are neglecting the opportunity to introduce them to One who is the healer of hearts. And, the irony in this situation is that we must “confess” the condition of our hearts to receive His help.  How wonderful to see the heartfelt confession and the more noble use of  a young man’s tongue!

The Rear-guard of Christian Parenting: Introduction to Corporal Punishment (Part 1)

By all accounts, she was a fairly easy baby. Our life did not change much when she was born. She went with us everywhere and was a very content, friendly baby. If I was not well-informed of the Bible’s teaching on Original Sin, I would not have acquired that knowledge through the first twelve months of her behavior.  Around twelve months old, however, Maddie discovered a thirst for climbing the stairs.  And since she had not expressed any interest in the stairs until then, we did not have a gate to keep her from this temptation.

And tempted, she was.

One day, Maddie crawled resolutely toward the stairs. I clearly remember telling her, “No, no. Maddie.”  And, as if it were this morning, I remember her quizzical expression and smile. Then she turned to the stairs and gave them a longing glance. Then, she turned back to me. “No, no. Maddie, no stairs. Dangerous.” My facial expression punctuated my words and my tone. Maddie’s eyes sparkled. A Cheshire cat-like grin from my little princess’ face turned from my firm gaze. She began crawling in high gear, motoring quickly to put her hands on the stairs. She pulled herself up. Standing proudly and ready to take her next step up the stairs, she looked at me hoping for approval. My face remained firm. I stood up. Maddie giggled; she began climbing the next stair.  Clearly, she felt we were playing a game. Before she was able to climb stair number two, I held her arm, caught her attention and said, “No, Maddie.” Then, I gave Maddie a firm pat just below the diaper line; she cried, I consoled her, and warned her again, and then turned her attention to some other play thing.

Later that day, we bought a gate for the stairs. Additionally, I began reading at a furious pace what the Bible says about parenting, discipline, and spanking. I really didn’t want to spank my child – especially at such a young age, but as a very attentive dad, I knew Maddie had turned a corner toward independence. Independence without wisdom and preparation leads to disaster – like sending your child off to college having never taught him anything about personal banking (Wisdom I learned the hard way when I was 18: the balance issued by the ATM machine is not really your balance! ha.).  So, after blazing through book after book on parenting and discipline, I began to develop a more intentional approach toward spanking. I’ll report more on this in a future Part 2 of this article. This article has a different purpose.

But back to our current episode: In “Maddie Meets the Stairs”, I assertively corrected her via corporal punishment, a spank, as a means to teach my child that she had crossed a line. She chose a path of disobedience AND danger; therefore, she needed a consequence, and she needed my help so that she wouldn’t be tempted to continue to test this boundary (Thus, we bought the gate.). Consider that God says, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children, but build them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). I would have exasperated Maddie had I allowed her foolish to become habit, withheld instruction in the consequences for disobedience, and left her to her folly (not bought a gate). She was a little child after all, and as much I wanted to treat this as an obedience issue, I knew that she was also a little child prone to childishness. Childishness is normal, but childishness can be sin. Thus, I wanted to recognize the sin and give an appropriate consequence (a spank); however, I would have been foolish not to have purchased a gate. Had I not purchased the gate, I might have neglected another Proverb: “As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly” (Proverbs 26:11). As much as my stomach turns at the mention of vomit, I am nauseous at the thought of allowing babies to craw willy-nilly up my stairs.

Noted Christian psychologist, Dr. James Dobson (founder of Focus on the Family), has stated that the sinful disobedience line is normally not crossed willfully by a child until a child is 18 to 24 months old. Until that time, Dobson asserts, children are just exploring and discovering their environment. Not that I totally disagree with Dobson, but I do view his assertion from a different vantage point. His assessment was in terms of the “average” toddler. Thus, some children need corrective discipline before 18 months and others simply need “re-direction” or  little corrective discipline throughout their preschool years. Consequently, I have seen far too few parents who have taken this statement from Dobson as “Don’t discipline/spank your children until they are 2.” Additionally, because of similar assertions by many secular experts on child behavior, many Christian parents have deceived themselves into thinking their child is innocently making destructive choices in their toddler years. Nothing is further from the truth. No human is born in innocence (Romans 5:12-21). Often, parents allow their children to persist in being disrespectful to them or passively dismiss the willful child who persistently says, “NO!” to their parents wise commands.

Please hear me. I’m not being to quick judge. I know personally the angst of wondering, “What am I going to do about this? Will this child quit it?! I’m embarrassed!” Often, you will have to excuse yourself from adult conversation to address a behavior issue. And, you should do this with the full confidence that the adult community supports your actions.  My wife and I had one very clear principle if one of our children persisted in these rebellious comments or a difficult attitude out in public: Get to a private place quickly with the child (the nearest bathroom or our car). I would get down on their level, look in their eyes, and firmly correct them, and if need be give them a spank to affirm the principle. While public rebuke can and is often done in a very godly way, public rebuke can work against you and shame a child. Shame causes further rebellion and anger. What would you desire? Should your boss illuminate your poor performance in front of an entire staff meeting? Wouldn’t you rather he talk to you personally?

My second, Jake, provides another illustration which helps understand the bigger picture on this issue of corrective discipline with toddlers.

Recently, Jake was reading the book of Proverbs in my copy of the Bible, and he came across Proverbs 10:1: “A wise son makes a glad father, but a foolish son is the grief of his mother.”  In the margin next to this verse, he read my handwriting which said, “Jake….Blinds”.  So, Jake inquired about my note. Thus, I shared with him the wondrous tale about Jake and the Mini-blinds.

Jake and the Mini-blinds

Once upon a time, in a family room in Memphis, Tennessee, a dad named Ted sat reading, enjoying his morning coffee, and watching his children play on the floor. While his daughter flit about her Playschool kitchen industriously making her own plastic breakfast, Ted noticed the world’s second fastest crawling toddler, Jake, casting a longing gaze at the shining mini-blinds. Perhaps 14 month old Jake had never noticed them before; perhaps Jake had realized he could now pull himself up high enough to touch those flat pieces of shimmering plastic wood. Jake began crawling giddily toward the window.

Having been broken in by his eldest child, Ted knew exactly what was going on in Jake’s curious mind. “Jake,” said Ted with an I-wasn’t-born-yesterday, clear diction. Mid-crawl, Jake paused, shifted his leg under his upper torso as if he was preparing to break dance, plopped his rear down on the floor (How do babies do that?), and looked at Ted wondering if he had done something to displease his dad.  Ted walked over to the blinds. He held them and said firmly with a somewhat cross expression, “No, Jake. Danger. No, no.” Going back to his seat with post-traumatic stress disorder from his days training Maddie not to play with doors, steps, mini-blinds and those boingy door stoppers, Ted sat wondering what Jake would do next. Would this be Jake’s first spanking?

Jake looked at Ted. Jake looked at the window. Jake looked back at Ted. Jake crawled over to the play kitchen to see what big sister was cooking. Ted sat and mused, “What a wise son. Phew.”

Proverb: “A wise son makes a glad father.”

Jake then knew why I scrawled in the margin of my Bible: “Jake…Blinds.”

Both stories above are necessary in this article to illustrate several truths about even the youngest of children:

• Children are born in sin and tempted by sin and folly, and this sin and folly comes both from within them (Original Sin) and from without (peers, the environment, disobedient parents, the Devil, etc.). The Bible summarizes this: “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child…” (Prov. 22:15a). I witnessed this truth years ago in a very humorous situation. I attended a baby baptism of some Roman Catholic friend’s child. The priest anointed the child with oil and prayed over the baby. The priest then said, “This rite was done to remove Original Sin from this child.” The sweet newborn’s mother who while watching the priest was also observing the precocious conduct of one of her two older children (the one who was playfully poking the eyes of a statue of Mary), replied winsomely to the priest’s comment, “Would you mind doing this other one again?” We all laughed. Even a faithful Roman Catholic parent sees that a child continues to struggle against Original Sin even after they are baptized.
• Each child is a unique person with an individual personality, struggles, and gifts.
• Children are curious about their surroundings: the good and bad, and the dangerous and the safe.
• Children’s parents must be consistent to help them discern the good and the bad, the dangerous and the safe.
• Children in the same family respond differently to the same consistent parent and guidelines. I’ve trained four very unique children to stay in their bed at night unless they have an emergency. Training my 1^st and 3^rd children required lots of attention; my 2^nd and 4^th children were fairly easy.
• Children are not “blank slates” as educators are often taught; children come with natural bents. God knows I can’t play the guitar, but my second and third children seem naturally gifted at guitar. I as a parent have the job of discerning these bents and directing/shaping/encouraging the child to make the most of these gifts of God.
• Children need (indeed, they often crave!) boundaries, correction, and training. The second half of the Proverb stated above declares, “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of the child; the rod of reproof will drive it far from him” (Prov. 22:15). On more than one occasion, a child at school has told me, “I was bad; I need a spanking.” This does not mean they want or like spankings! Physical correction is often necessary in training a child.
• The Bible informs Christian parents (and all parents really) on the content, the goal, and the methods of instructing children. Rejecting, mis-applying, and conversely applying correctly these methods reap consequences (“We reap what we sow.” ~ Galatians 6:7).

Another article will be forthcoming on the method and process involved in Christian corporal punishment, but for now, this content above is meant to establish the reality we face as parents in training our children’s behavior and character.  My conclusions have been drawn from the scriptures as well as these resources below which have been life changing reads for me as a parent. I think in each of the below you will find that the goal of the author (and the goal of the scriptures) is not to produce mechanical parenting. The goal is to facilitate redemptive, restorative, and godly parenting. Indeed, we struggle as much as our children do in cultivating wisdom and holiness.

• Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Ted Tripp
• Withhold Not Correction by Bruce Ray
• Standing on the Promises by Douglas Wilson
• Teach Them Diligently by Lou Priolo
• The Bible: especially the book of Solomon’s Proverbs

Starving for Freedom: The Hunger Games Trilogy Reviewed

Suzanne Collins, author of the Hunger Games trilogy (YA or Young Adult fiction) writes well to attract her target audience. When I think of the YA audience, I think of one word: passion. Thus, Ms. Collins’ works revolve around passionate ideas: Romance, Power, Rebellion, War, Justice, Slavery, Tyranny, and Sacrifice. Mix The Gladiator (senseless violence and gore) with Atlas Shrugged (an ambitious heroine raging against corrupt socialistic, political machine) and 1984 (Big Brother, aka President Snow, is always watching!), and you understand what I mean by passion. Ideas and settings such as these make for exciting literature and riveting action-suspense theatrical thrillers at the box office. Indeed, I found books 1 and 2 of the Hunger Games trilogy engaging to say the least.

Below, I try to list things that would be important to discuss with your sons and daughters who read these works.

I praise Collins for the following:

• Crafting a heroine who is a daddy’s girl (In particular, I think dads who love the outdoors and share that with their children would admire Katniss Everdeen and her best friend, Gale, two of the main characters.)
• Creating a sci-fi world that is interesting and plausible
• Giving immense value to individual liberty
• Illustrating well the depth of evil inherent in the hunger for and preservation of political power
• Depicting contemporary teen romance accurately: fickle, emotional, and filled with uncertainty
• Truthfully representing teenagers as keenly sensitive toward injustice and tyranny
• Affirming masculinity and femininity: man as protector; woman as in need of protection
• Modernizing the use of the bow and arrow in contemporary guerilla warfare. Anything that connects to an image of Robin Hood (the image rightly painted by Sir Walter Scott in his classic work, Ivanhoe, which ECS students read – by the way!) is good. Which reminds me to correct a popular misunderstanding: Robin Hood did not rob the rich to give to the poor, he robbed the thief who had stolen or coerced money from a particular victim. Read Ivanhoe; you’ll understand what I mean.
• Giving a picture of where reality T.V. will go as it follows man’s depraved nature – reminiscent of Schwarzenegger’s Running Man or Tron Legacy. Will society ever get to watch a reality T.V. show where we get to see people kill each other?
• Accurately portraying a worldview or philosophy that sees nothing beyond the here and now – no heaven and no hell – no absolute good or evil aside from “the will of the people” being good and the will of the tyrant being bad.
• The ending and several other plot turns were not what I expected (nor was it what I desired!). I applaud her inventiveness in telling a story.
• Using first person to craft a substantive narrative is an immense accomplishment (whether or not that style was enjoyable is another issue).

I pause and contemplate the following troubling issues in Collins’ work:

• The driving ambition of Katniss Everdeen: Revenge
• A teenage love triangle and the emotional damage to all parties is understated; though, to be fair, the love triangle is not painted in a positive light either (Think “Bachelorette” in YA fiction form). Also, parents ought to note that many teen books have this type of convention (plot device) such as the other anticipated YA trilogy following the initial book, Matched by Ally Condie, and which is targeted to be produced as a movie as well.
• Teenagers killing teenagers – the main readers are not likely to have witnessed the horrors of Columbine – and yet the context of the work conveys these haunting, chilling, school-shooting type, de-humanizing experiences.
• Vivid descriptions of the dead and dying.
• Giving a picture of where reality T.V. will go as it follows man’s depraved nature – reminiscent of Schwarzenegger’s Running Man or Tron Legacy. Will society ever get to watch a reality T.V. show where we get to see people kill each other?
• The lack of any higher good than man himself.
• Did I mention vivid descriptions of the dead and dying? These images just weigh on the reader.

In summary, I had this constant experience that I was reading a book about animals rather than about humans. This is the sensibility one has when reading realistic or naturalistic works like this or like The Lord of the Flies, The Great Gatsby, The Old Man and the Sea. Our culture makes bestsellers out of these raw tales. Our culture has been somewhat stuck in this vein of thought for 70 years and the philosophy is trickling down into children’s literature. Overall, our children ought not to spend all their time reading such genres of literature, but it is a present reality in our culture about which we would want them to be discerning.

For instance, I recently watched a rated R movie with my wife. I was not surprised by the amount of foul language, but I winced at every F-bomb. The cursing was appropriate to the context of a contemporary political movie, I am certain; however, my tastes have been cultivated by authors such as Lewis, Dickens, Chesterton, Sayers, Tolkien, Dostoevsky, and Tolstoy. These authors paint evil acts in the light of true goodness. They paint evil acts in terms of absolute morals and ethics which are held together by a Judeo-Christian worldview. Similarly, the wickedly evil and brutally raw crucifixion of Christ is beautiful and good only in that it is connected to the ultimate freedom from the tyranny of evil in the resurrection of Christ. And, this essential difference is what makes The Hunger Games trilogy an exciting though desperately hollow experience. The trilogy rings hollow in that Katniss is no more free at the end of the trilogy than she was in the beginning.

Thus, as my children read this book, and three of them are, I want to make this crystal clear by asking them questions. How does the character change? What is gained? What is lost? How is man described in this work? What is a godless world like? What are men really capable of when not restrained by moral absolutes? What did you like or dislike? What books, stories, or movies does this work remind you of? Would you read it again? Would you recommend it to a friend – why or why not?  How was kissing portrayed? What was the romantic relationship like? In light of the Bible and its teachings, what do you think about the romance and sequence of events of this book?

Now, we ask these types of questions and build these skills of discernment in class with many of the works and authors mentioned above; however, when both the home and school are applying this reasoning (or to be classical: Dialectic) to what is produced by culture, our children will be that much more thoroughly trained to hold captive all the thoughts and ideas of the world – bringing real freedom, light, and truth to our culture.

Truly, do we train our children in the truth, the way, and the light of the Holy Bible at home only to hide that under a basket at school and in the neighborhood? Or do we do the reverse and train them in such a way at school so that then the basket comes down over them at home? The challenge remains for us at the school to apply consistently Biblical values and conversely, for the home to continue to affirm the Biblical discernment being developed in the classical Christian school.

Imagine what our culture would be like with a majority of schools like ours and a majority of homes like yours consistently grounding our thinking in the Judeo-Christian worldview. One home at a time, one day at a time, one school at a time, and before long, we will see immense change in our culture. Press on in faith.

The Child Centered Home – Read with Caution!

Me: “Will you please empty the dishwasher?”

My Child: “Daddy, if you are asking me, doesn’t that mean that I could say, ‘No.’?”

Now, I guarantee that I did not ask the question above with any sort of wimpy tone of voice as if my child had an option of whether or not he should empty the dishwasher. So, after my child cheekily replied, I said something like: “Ha. You are a wise child to note that I did ask you; that shows you were really listening and thinking – great job. However, let me rephrase the question: You are a member of the Trainor household. The Trainor household serves God. The Trainors recognize that God’s word says, ‘Children, obey your parents for this is right.’ If I happen to ask you to do something as I am doing now, I am politely inviting you to obey God’s commands. I am also inviting your selfless participation in serving the members of the household. I could order you and threaten you as if you were my slave. I could yell. I could demand obedience; however, I wish for you to see this as an opportunity to serve God and your family. Now, will you empty the dishwasher?…Please and thank you.”

My child humbly and cheerfully emptied the dishwasher.

I do not highlight this exchange for you as necessarily a model exchange. Taking the hint from my child, the next 200 mornings or so since then, I have stated (rather than invited), “Boys, it is time for you to empty the dishwasher and put the dishes away.”

The illustration above, is to remind myself and to warn our community of parents that we need to be at times very explicit in training our children. Many times, I’ll invite their reflection too: “What needs to be done after breakfast?” Thus, they begin ordering their thoughts appropriately while munching down a pop tart. Other times, we will be asked, and we must then share “why” we do what we do as parents else we parents find ourselves reflecting the non-biblical model of the home: the Child-Centered Home.

The Child Centered Home is a home flipped on its head. Rather than the adults setting the tone and standards, the child’s feelings, desires, and will does. Rather than the adult orienting the child’s will toward pleasing God, the adult consciously and unconsciously orients the child toward pleasing himself or herself. Here are some common dilemmas presented by a child centered view (And please – don’t take any of these personally!):

• My child chooses when they feel like going to bed leaving little time for my spouse and I to have alone time without them around.
• My child chooses when and what they feel like eating; therefore, I feel like I am constantly cooking and am a kitchen slave.
• My child chooses to do things which aggravate me. I tell him in a nice voice to stop. He says, “No.” Most times he stops, but he often ignores me or doesn’t even look at me. I feel like a passive, wimp of a parent. Ironically, I don’t like saying, “No.”  That’s so negative. But, why do I feel like they are in control of the situation?
• My child just has a strong will. I think this is why he does not obey me right away. I just remind him several times. Sometimes I feel like a nag.
• My child chooses to quit sports/activities/teams. I let them because I don’t want to fight with them, and I certainly don’t want to make them do something they don’t like. One of these days, they’ll find something they like and stick with it.
• My child has instant access to me; he or she often interrupts my conversations or my tasks. It is frustrating, but my child is just being childish.
• My child’s schooling is too hard. She wants more fun things to do at school. She doesn’t want to do her homework. Surely, my child will learn better if she likes her schooling. Kids should be kids.
• My child wants to go to another school. He thinks he needs more friends. He wants to play football. He is simply not happy.
• My child does not like spankings. She freaks out. Spanking just doesn’t work.
• My child has lots of homework. My child is dragging his feet. He’s wearing out my last nerve. I hate to be the bad guy and make him do it and stay up late. Shoot, I just want to chill out, too.

Surely, I have had similar thoughts from time to time. Surely my children have had similar thoughts, and these thoughts can occur to any parent or student inside or outside of ECS. These feelings are universal to children and parents. With these thoughts and feelings, the temptation to let our children define the goal, direction, and purpose of decision making and life in our household is ever before us. The temptation which arises is a clear challenge for us to check our motives for making decisions.

As a Christian parent, the challenge should drive us to scripture for the answers. When we look to scripture, we will find that Christ is pre-eminent. He comes before all things. He holds all things together. He is at the center. He gives children. The children are His and ours. Our children’s lives ought to revolve in an increasing fashion around Him and His Word.

To leave our young children then, in a routine of child-centeredness is to lead them to self-centeredness and folly. Perhaps, this is the reason that King Solomon uttered the words – and note how the words differ from the common misquoted cliché: “Whoever spares the rod hates his son” (Prov. 13:24). The parent who allows the child to put himself or herself in control of the authority structure at home is actually “hating” his child.

I’ve shared this reflection many a time with my children. They easily see the sensibility of Solomon. For instance, when my children talk back or sass an authority figure in my home, they are disciplined. The discipline includes instruction from their parents (Discipline, after all, comes from the Latin word for student or disciple; therefore, children should receive wise instruction when they are being disciplined.). The instruction often times sounds like this:

Dad: “Why were you disciplined (spanked, sent to your room, time out, etc.)?”

Child: “For talking back” (or “For being disrespectful” or “For being mean”, etc.).

Dad: “Right, why is it disrespectful to talk back to your mommy or daddy?”

Child: “Because God says not to.”

Dad: “What does God say to do?”

Child: “Honor your father and mother.”

Dad: “That’s right. The 5^th Commandment is actually the only commandment with a promise. There are rewards for honoring your mom and dad – and other authority figures in your life.  Imagine if Daddy did not correct you or discipline you for being sassy or rude to your parents. What would you be like?”

Child: “Mean. Bad.”

Dad: “Right, the Bible says, that if Daddy or Mommy doesn’t correct you that we would be actually ‘hating you’. I think it would be hateful of us if let you grow up to be a mean, disrespectful person. Don’t you? Who likes to be around mean and rude people?”

Child: “Yes (smile). No one.”

Dad: “You can also see that if I did not correct you for being disrespectful to Daddy or Mommy that you might be missing out on some promised reward from God. Do you want some reward from God?”

Child: “Yes. Do you think God will let me have some Oreos now.”

Correcting children and leading them to a Christ-centered home takes effort. Sometimes, it takes tearful courage. And, the courage to rear a child in a Christ centered way is there for those who call upon the Lord for it. Hear is the prayer from David I have written on a note on my computer. I look at it everyday at work. As a school principal, I stand in the place of over 100 parents; I need lots of courage! Make it your prayer today as you move heartily into pursuing a Christ-centered home: “Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait I say, on the Lord!” (Psalm 28:14)

Successful Students & the Home: Practical Ideas

The little curly headed, two year old sits in the mom’s arms while the taller, obviously older, big brother sits grimacing on mom’s lap. Big brother can’t wait for the picture to be taken, the toddler dispatched, and for his mommy to resume reading the book which was put aside for the Kodak moment. Big brother, Tim, thoroughly enjoys reading with his mom. Interruptions from little Ted (me!) grieve him.

While it would be fun to analyze all the cultural nuances in this photograph from my scrapbook from 1973 (60’s green and white linoleum flooring throughout the kitchen; 50’s white painted-maple cabinet kitchen; rounded cornered, metal edged, table with retro, diner looking chairs; my brother’s bell bottom plaid pants with a mop-headed, “My-3-Sons” hairdo; mother’s short, floral, lady’s, print dress), a keen observer will note that the most important cultural feature of this photo is that my brother had a passion for books which was constantly fed by mother. In fact, if we were going to visit my grandparents, who lived nearly 6 hours away, my brother would have a stack of 15 or 20 books to read from the library. I even remember when we actually stopped going to our hometown library (below) because my brother had read all the books for his age and interests; therefore, we began taking trips to another town to the larger, county library where the selection was exhaustive. As I write, I am reliving the moments of seeing the old librarian’s gentle smile, as she handed me my first laminated library card.

In short, reading books was a priority in my home. Going to the Little Silver Public Library regularly, listening to “story time” at the library, and participating in Summer Reading programs through the library were all part of the rhythm of my childhood. My mom and dad tried many avenues to get me to read. The few I remember liking were Encyclopedia Brown, Choose Your Own Adventure, and books on sports heroes like Jim Thorpe, Christy Mathewson, and Bob Hayes. My mom purchased or checked out every single Hardy Boys Mystery for my brother. Reading, though I did not much enjoy it until 6^th grade, was the culture in my home. Thank you mom and dad!

All grown up now (well mostly!), I am grateful for this start in life. Why? Year after year, educational researchers produce studies which reveal and affirm what we believe about education at ECS. Success in school begins with a culture of reading at home. The New York Times published an article recently which once again supports this core foundational principle (see link below for the whole article):

“James J. Heckman, an economist at the University of Chicago, argues that parenting matters as much as, if not more than, income in forming a child’s cognitive ability and personality, particularly in the years before children start school.

“Early life conditions and how children are stimulated play a very important role,” he said. “The danger is we will revert back to the                mindset of the war on poverty, when poverty was just a matter of income, and giving families more would improve the prospects of their children. If people conclude that, it’s a mistake.”

Thus, Dr. Heckman says, that a lack of reading and “stimulation” leads to a culturally and intellectually impoverished child. My mother may not have known the scientific research, but time and time again I can remember hearing how much her dad encouraged educational training. The importance of education began at home.

Practical tips for young parents:

• Read the same book for 5 days in a row. After the third reading, leave out words and see if your child can fill in the blank. When the child is a reader, have them read a page and you read a page. Alternate your routine. Make new routines: You read a paragraph; then, I read one. You read all the girl parts; I’ll read the boy parts. You read the odd pages; I read the evens (cultivate Math skills!).
• Ask your children what is going on the picture. Pictures give clues to meaning. This stimulates the cognitive growth of skills like inference, induction, deduction, and more.
• Nursery rhymes: as the ECS Master of English, Mr. Arnold, will tell you, nothing will teach language and birth a literary culture in a home like the simple, lyrical, fun, rhythmic poetry of Mother Goose. Nursery rhymes also play with language and use puns.
• If you have a Reading culture in your home, you may need to start your children early. My wife and I loved working with our preschool aged children using Teaching Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons.
• Shut off the T.V. and read. Pick some books from the ECS Reading List. You’ll be able to discuss them with your children. Make it a habit to stimulate them to pick up good books. I know my children love to talk with me about the books they are reading because I have read them.
• Make a place for reading in family traditions: we read books from time to time at the end of a meal. Think of all the memories you are creating and cultural traditions at home which will outlast you and your parenting.
• Parent for your grandchildren. Don’t read and stimulate your children’s intellectual growth for their good, or even your happiness; encourage a Reading culture in your home so that your grandchildren will benefit!
• Read with animation. Try different voices and tones. Surprise your children. Make them endure a cliff hanger ending so that they can’t wait to read with you the next night.
• Be patient. It takes time especially when the books no longer have pictures or when the books of some archaic English vocabulary.
• Ask questions: What do you think is going to happen? Who’s your favorite character? Do you know what this word means? Why do you like/dislike this story? What other stories does this plot remind of you? What godly characteristics do these characters exhibit?
• Take time to use the dictionary. Make the dictionary an authority in your home. Show them the etymology of the word (look for French, Spanish, Latin, and Greek!). Let them marvel at words! Don’t just give children the answers. Direct them and encourage them to find the answers on their own. Think of all the skills it takes to find a word in a dictionary (alphabetizing, skimming, critical analysis, finding meaning and context).
• Talk about the cover. Talk about the spine. Talk about the back or flaps. Find a picture of the author.
• Get your child a library card. Teach them how to search for and reserve books online.
• Spend time at the library (and if there is a park just outside, promise to go there afterward!)

When you think of all these ideas, you may think the task is too big for you. If so, just throw all of those ideas out for now, and get reading with your children! Try going for 10 minutes a night, three nights a week. Then expand it by 5 minutes a night; then, expand it to 4 nights. The need for parental leadership in this task is essential to your children, your children’s children, our culture, and our country. Tolle Lege! Pick up and read!

(http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/10/education/education-gap-grows-between-rich-and-poor-studies-show.html?pagewanted=2&ref=education)

The Micah Man Up

“Way to man up, honey.”

My bride of 18.5 years encouraged me with these words this morning – around 6:20am, January 2, 2012. Timely, sincere, gentle, and deeply poignant, I heard these words as “Yeah, that’s right. You are the man! You are my knight in shining armor! I love being married to such a great guy!” I was only getting up to sip coffee, eat Raisin Bran, read the Bible, and pray.

Now, if my life were a sitcom, these words would have been sardonic at best. Instead, the words were full of gratitude for being a good leader of the family. Ok, I’ve got the best wife in the world. But, what preceded these words, one might wonder.

January 1st brought reflection to our home.  After having several heart to heart conversations about our priorities, goals, and desires, Kathryn and I are committed to following Jesus Christ more faithfully this year in our various callings: as individuals, as a couple, as parents, as gifted workers. Thus, rising up earlier to read the sacred and authoritative words which inform the Christian life (the Bible) are intrinsic to fulfilling these desires and goals. Essentially, not to make this a priority would be to rob God, cheat my family, and make a liar out of my employer.

So 2012 is off to a glorious start.

Equally wondrous are perhaps the words Kathryn uttered next, “Did you hear me?”

I really did not know how to respond. Since I was sleepy and moving very slowly, still wavering along the slopes of the continental divide called “Man Up” wondering if I would sincerely dig my manly soul spikes in and climb out of an ice cold devotional life or slip back into Sleep’s selfish crevasse, from my fuzzy frame of mind, I uttered unconfidently, “Yes.”

I may have been an exceptional dodger in P.E. class growing up, but I am a failure in dodging the truth in marriage – thankfully. Kathryn quickly sized up the situation, knowing full well I had not REALLY heard her so she politely restated, “I asked you if you would turn off the fan.”

Turning off the fan, I began my day serving Kathryn by flipping a switch and by manning up in the Christian life. “He has shown you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God?” (Micah 6:8) What will your “walk with God” be like in 2012? Is it time to man up to Micah’s challenge?

Gravity of Navity

Josie walked down the hall teetering under the weight of a small torpedo wrapped in ribbon.  Crying aloud from one end of the hall to other where I stood grade book in hand looking for a quiet corner to finish my first semester grades, “Merry Christmas, Mr. Trainor!” Josie (and friends) closed range and presented me with a Christmas gift, the largest summer sausage I had ever seen.  Having never given nor even seen a teacher receive a Christmas present (The unionized government school teachers in New Jersey never received such gifts in my day.), I received the bow-tied appetizer with true joy.  A little confused and deeply struck personally by the sincere appreciation, I mustered one of the most authentic, unrehearsed “thank you’s” of my life.

This inexpressible gratitude resounds in the words of Paul to the Colossians, “As you therefore have received Christ Jesus, the Lord, so walk in Him, rooted and built up in Him and established in the faith, as you have been taught, abounding in it with thanksgiving” (Col. 2:6-7 NKJV).  Whatever season we first recognized our salvation in Christ, the season of Nativity wonderfully leads us in to a new year rejoicing and abounding in Christ Jesus, the Lord.  As one continues to read this letter to the Christians in Colosse, one receives testimony from Paul that this gratitude ought to awaken a resolve to be more firmly rooted in the faith.  Paul gives the end result of this grateful resolve:  it’s a protection for you against worldly deceitfulness (2:8); it’s a guard for your freedom (v.2:16-18); it’s an exhortation to wisdom, humility, obedience, service, peace, love, unity, worship (3:12-17); it’s the beginning of understanding your role as husband, wife, father, worker, child, and heir of God (3:18-24).

Like gravity, the Nativity of Christ to each believer reigns and superintends the believer’s universe of thoughts and actions.  And, the Nativity season has begun!  Reflect on the apostle’s words above:  rooted, built up, established, abounding.  Yes, most of these words are in the past (perfect) tense, but Paul expresses them as part of the activity of “walking” in Him. For the Christian the following questions are begged: How is your walk?  How can it be rooted more firmly?  How can your Christian life be built up?  How might you become more established?  What keeps you from these goals?  What needs to be confessed aloud to compel your actions of repentance?  Where might you abound for Him?

You can’t escape gravity, neither can I. And in this holiday season, you and I both cannot escape the core event pulling us back to reality. No matter how much we shop, how much pie we eat, how many parties we attend, we cannot escape the gravity of the Christmas story. A child spoken of by prophets, born of a virgin, attended to by angels and shepherds, marked by a star, crucified, resurrected, sitting at the right hand of God is the central point of all the holiday hoopla. This reference point gives us all pause each year. Do I recognize how this person of the Trinity orients my world or not? Don’t miss the gravity of the Nativity. The season solicits serious reflection, “Did this really happen? Does it make it a difference in my life?”

Christ at Christmas: Lights & Derby Pie?

The Monday after Thanksgiving break, many years ago, I walked early into the faculty lounge at my school hoping for the 40+ cups of coffee in the holy steel urn to be ready to cheer my sleepy, back-to-work-after-a-vacation soul. The coffee was delicious, but a sign above the pot inspired my attitude for over a month afterwards: “Let the feasting begin!” And it affects me today! This sign appeared upon the table which was overflowing with goodies for the staff in the faculty workroom.  The typical coffee and donut ritual of an average break room in late November became one of the daily components to my celebrating my Savior’s birth for many days!

Yes, even a holiday snack celebration in a faculty workroom is evidence of what is going on around us, is it not?  We are compelled to visit Christmas tree farms to cut down our own trees; we eat our share of pumpkin pie, drink boiled custard (Gotta love it!) and listen to Christmas music around the clock.  We attend community tree lighting ceremonies, church productions, and living manger scenes.  We drive around in our suburban seven seaters looking at lights while dressed in pajamas and drinking hot cocoa.  As a culture, we can say that the feasting on Christmas has begun.

 

And it should.

 

We could look crassly at all this as consumerism and materialism gone crazy. And, I am not declaring here that those who do not participate in these seasonal celebrations are crass, ugly, scrooge-like, wrong, or silly killjoys. There are many ways to commemorate Christ’s birth and we ought to guard against mindless celebration and sinful greed. However, we could proclaim simply, “Our King has come!  Hallelujah!”  We could even look at all of these holiday components and declare as the psalmist did, “The earth is the Lord’s and all its fullness” (Psalm 24:1). We are free to reign-in red candles, advent wreaths, evergreen trees (even our local Cypress trees- ha!), ornaments, boiled custard, parades, and even a jolly, red suited, gift giving candidate for the Biggest Loser, for the sake of joyful celebration.

In theological terms, we are celebrating the Incarnation of our King:  Our God became a man.   We should spend time daily reflecting on the immense significance of Jesus’ coming in the flesh. Honestly, my celebration is daily, but this time of year, I take it up a notch. The second person of the Trinity came “tasting our sadness” and making much ado about the ordinary.  He talked of figs, grapes, vines, money, seeds, houses, bushels, baskets, bread, wine, leaven, salt, water, sheep, goats, feasts and suppers.  He boated, fished, walked, rode a donkey, cried and prayed.  His miracles even emphasized these aspects of humanity.  He came as a real man and yet He remained infinite.  This should affect us.  The incarnation should soak our homes, classrooms, and cities; it should change our children’s view of stuff, life and this world.

At school, rather than confining Christ’s impact to Bible class or a “winter holiday class party”, or “chapel”, we try to enjoy Christ’s work in all our studies at all times during the school day.  We exalt his name in Science, Math, and history, and in kickball, lunch, hallway conversation, Christmas cantatas, and sports.  We must yearn for the opportunity to admire remarkable sunsets going down before our eyes at soccer practice, to observe fall foliage exploding in color around us at recess, and to love the beauty of a three-pointer.  Imagine the city of Rincon, the Lowcountry, and our nation even, with Christian children who see the world this way.  Instead of a bunch of Christians hoping not to be left behind, turning lights off at Halloween, retreating from culture, we become intent on enjoying the riches of His glorious grace now and sharing it with others (Neighborly fellowship & Figgy pudding perhaps!).  Go a step further and see the Church full of hopeful, victorious Christians unafraid of the culture, with an optimistic hope fueled by Christ’s restoration of all things (Rev. 21:5).

Jesus’ birth, the incarnation of God to save man, should liberate us!  Though Christ, as Paul states in Philippians, was considered equal with God, he was found in “fashion as a man.”  The Son of God is the prophesied one of Psalm 8:6:  “You have made him to have dominion over the works of Your hands; You have put all things under his feet.”  Our King serves and gives us redemption spiritually, and through his incarnation we now are privileged to have a taste of heaven on earth whether that be a bowl of peppermint ice cream, a quarterback sack, or a “B” on an Algebra quiz. Simply, a month or a short season of celebration is simply not enough for the Christian!

One other example: years ago on an evening drive in October, I heard one of my children exclaim: “Mommy and Daddy!  Look!  It’s Christmas!” Because it was fall in Memphis, I was startled at my child’s exclamation.  So, I looked over toward the Agricenter, just off Germantown highway in Cordova, TN, to see what had caused my child to burst with such a joyful proclamation.

In his searching for just the right word that night to describe the seasonal amusement park at the Agricenter, my son could only describe the scene as “Christmas.”  He was surely commenting about the bright and colorful lights of the ferris wheel, but he was relating these sights to his Christmas experience.  In taking the time to commemorate Christ’s birth, we had formed in my son the assumption that all bright, colorful, extraordinary scenes were to celebrate Christmas! Now, would he go the next step, at age 3, and connect that to our celebration of the Incarnation? Probably not, but I have over the years trained him that way. As Christian parents, we work diligently to cultivate children who worship Christ, the newborn King all year long and especially at Christmas!

Oh, that God would be pleased to grant us much grace that we may daily see and rejoice in Christ’s incarnation and redemption both in spirituality and reality.  May God help us model for our children a proper gratitude for His Son and His gift of new life, not to mention His fullness and goodness found in a slice of momma’s especially-crafted-for-the-holiday Derby pie.

Dream Killer

My teenaged daughter arose from her seat, a little indignant, a little sad. She composed herself to exit the conversation. Then she uttered these parting words, “Why do you have to be such a dream killer?” Visibly upset, but not so upset that she dared to throw eye darts my direction or raise her voice, she retired to her room. She remained composed enough not to slam her door.

Her mother and I had a conversation with just one quick look across the living room, the type of glance veterans exchange in recalling boot camp – a labor pain from which they were birthed new men. Intruding on our wordless conversation, I spoke, “I’ll go up and visit with her in a few minutes. I’ll let her calm down a little.”  I’m sure my wife and I then exchanged some thoughts and observations. I remember conveying how I was actually a little proud that the education which my daughter has had has produced in her the ability to sum up her thoughts with such a powerful metaphor.

My daughter’s dreams are a private matter, so I will not divulge that element of the conversation. But, I had to admit that when she proposed to me her dream, I was a harsh realist rather than a confidant and mentor. Instead of helping her weigh the cost of pursuing this dream (among many which she has), I assessed it with a you’ve-got-to-be-kidding-gimme-a-break” dismissive attitude – the kind of look my dad and step-mother gave when 21-year-old-me declared one summer afternoon, “Dad, I think I want to be a politician or a preacher. Do you have any political contacts?”

Upon entering her room, I apologized to my daughter for my cynical realism. She had been right on the money: dream killer. We smiled as we talked about the powerful metaphor; I praised her giftedness with words and for not being disrespectful in the manner with which she uttered the metaphor. Then, we explored her dream. I gave her some facts, a timeline, the cost, etc. We explored many angles on the dream. My honest confession and humility opened the door for her earnest contemplation, analysis, and forethought. Could she accomplish the dream? Yes. We agreed certain steps and sacrifices would have to take priority. I took her seriously and she appreciated my advice.

In hindsight, I forgot a couple of my cardinal principles in rearing my children:

• They are persons made in the image of God, worthy of my respect, with dreams and talents “on loan from God” (Gen. 1:27-28);
• They are maturing little adults; if I make their decisions for them instead of acting as a facilitator of their own wise thinking and assessment, how will they learn? (“For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not sit down and count the cost?” ~ Luke 14:28.)
• My children’s aspirations – what they are really thinking on the inside – give me insight into who they are and who they may want to become;
• Considering future goals is a prayerful enterprise; all major decisions and pursuits are opportunities to submit our dreams and desires to God (“Many are the plans of men, but the Lord directs our paths.” ~ Proverbs 16:9);
• A dream is a goal – most things worth pursuing take hard work; these types of conversations could propel further that value in them (“But the hand of the diligent makes rich.” ~ Prov. 10:4b.);
• Their seeking my opinion ought to be lauded as seeking wise counsel (“Listen to counsel and receive instruction, that you may be wise in your latter days.” ~ Prov. 19:20.).