Dream Killer

My teenaged daughter arose from her seat, a little indignant, a little sad. She composed herself to exit the conversation. Then she uttered these parting words, “Why do you have to be such a dream killer?” Visibly upset, but not so upset that she dared to throw eye darts my direction or raise her voice, she retired to her room. She remained composed enough not to slam her door.

Her mother and I had a conversation with just one quick look across the living room, the type of glance veterans exchange in recalling boot camp – a labor pain from which they were birthed new men. Intruding on our wordless conversation, I spoke, “I’ll go up and visit with her in a few minutes. I’ll let her calm down a little.”  I’m sure my wife and I then exchanged some thoughts and observations. I remember conveying how I was actually a little proud that the education which my daughter has had has produced in her the ability to sum up her thoughts with such a powerful metaphor.

My daughter’s dreams are a private matter, so I will not divulge that element of the conversation. But, I had to admit that when she proposed to me her dream, I was a harsh realist rather than a confidant and mentor. Instead of helping her weigh the cost of pursuing this dream (among many which she has), I assessed it with a you’ve-got-to-be-kidding-gimme-a-break” dismissive attitude – the kind of look my dad and step-mother gave when 21-year-old-me declared one summer afternoon, “Dad, I think I want to be a politician or a preacher. Do you have any political contacts?”

Upon entering her room, I apologized to my daughter for my cynical realism. She had been right on the money: dream killer. We smiled as we talked about the powerful metaphor; I praised her giftedness with words and for not being disrespectful in the manner with which she uttered the metaphor. Then, we explored her dream. I gave her some facts, a timeline, the cost, etc. We explored many angles on the dream. My honest confession and humility opened the door for her earnest contemplation, analysis, and forethought. Could she accomplish the dream? Yes. We agreed certain steps and sacrifices would have to take priority. I took her seriously and she appreciated my advice.

In hindsight, I forgot a couple of my cardinal principles in rearing my children:

• They are persons made in the image of God, worthy of my respect, with dreams and talents “on loan from God” (Gen. 1:27-28);
• They are maturing little adults; if I make their decisions for them instead of acting as a facilitator of their own wise thinking and assessment, how will they learn? (“For which of you, intending to build a tower, does not sit down and count the cost?” ~ Luke 14:28.)
• My children’s aspirations – what they are really thinking on the inside – give me insight into who they are and who they may want to become;
• Considering future goals is a prayerful enterprise; all major decisions and pursuits are opportunities to submit our dreams and desires to God (“Many are the plans of men, but the Lord directs our paths.” ~ Proverbs 16:9);
• A dream is a goal – most things worth pursuing take hard work; these types of conversations could propel further that value in them (“But the hand of the diligent makes rich.” ~ Prov. 10:4b.);
• Their seeking my opinion ought to be lauded as seeking wise counsel (“Listen to counsel and receive instruction, that you may be wise in your latter days.” ~ Prov. 19:20.).

Cultivating Virtue in Our Children through Stories

“Crave the Ordinary!” Could you imagine this as a corporate slogan?  Back in the 1980’s, the corporate star marketing executive in the movie Mr. Mom, Michael Keaton, was fired for such honest and ordinary ideas such as “Volvo, Boxy but Good”.  We understand do we not?  The typical American consumer-citizen wants an extraordinary experience, quality, prestige, and luxury from a Volvo not just a good, pricy, boxy car.  Ordinary is not in vogue – and it never seems to be.

But the Holy Scriptures are filled with admonitions to pursue the ordinary – and I am not talking about cars!  While speaking in tongues is a Biblical reality and a supernatural, extraordinary gift to some in the Church (Of course, some Christians believe that the special “tongue” speaking gift ceased with the apostles.), Paul urges believers to seek Love, Hope, and Faith.  Similarly, we find Wisdom, Work, and Obedience emphasized by Solomon.  Hosea lived out “fidelity” to a very unfaithful wife.  Job had devoted friends and Job loved his family.  Our God has made it clear; ordinary, mundane, virtues are the standards for His people.

Recently, a child at ECS told me she wanted to be a world famous pianist.  Another told me she wanted to be a world renowned ballerina.  And I know others who would like to be world class athletes – baseball players and the like.  Now, all of these dreams and goals are wonderful goals, and perhaps some of these children will, Lord willing, be famous in some unique way; however, the path to greatness in every case is paved with the stones of everyday virtues as those listed above.  Therefore, the crux of the matter is essentially how do you as parents help your children CRAVE the ORDINARY.

I have two simple answers:  your example and literature.  While the Lord and you are the experts on your example, here are few things to consider about how great books can stir our children to greatness through the exaltation of the ordinary.  For instance, this year two of my children will be reading Kidnapped by Robert Louis Stevenson.  In this work, two men, alike in honor, but devout enemies by political affiliation are providentially paired for an adventure.  Their dynamic relationship for good or ill crystallizes the ordinary virtue of friendship.  One senses that these friends, though far from perfect, know a different quality of friendship.  Friendship overshadows politics.  Loyalty to death overwhelms ethnic affiliation.  Freedom to speak the truth even-when-it hurts deeply engenders further depth in their friendship rather than estrangement.

What great works of literature do that our words and sometimes our example do not do are make these ordinary virtues beautiful, noble, lovely, divine.  Great literature poignantly affects the reader.  Great books ennoble.  Classic works build souls, and assist our young to see ordinary virtues as peaks of a majestic mountain range. The children who climb through these pages receive the ironic reward:  the mountain top experiences in literature revolve around everyday norms and standards.

Furthermore, I marvel at how these examples in literature often mirror some exhortation by God in the Scriptures:  “Greater love hath no man than this that he lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13) or “Faithful are the wounds of friend” (Proverbs 27:6).  David and Jonathan’s friendship seems to be the prototype for David and Alec in Kidnapped, Gimli and Legolas in Lord of the Rings, Pip and Joe in Great Expectations, and so many others. Tolle Lege – pick up and read!!

Rearing Our Sons to Leave

The Bible clearly illustrates the following key principle about our sons: Sons leave (Gen. 2:24, Matt: 19:5, Eph. 5:31).  In terms of childrearing, what then must we teach our sons before they leave home and seek to make a home with a wife?  Keep in mind the law of the harvest; what we sow now, we reap later.

First and foremost in a son’s life is his relationship with God the Father through His son, Jesus Christ, via the gift of the Holy Spirit.  Pastor John Piper has often referred to this as “treasuring Christ”.  Just as God the Father loved Jesus before the foundations of the earth were laid (John 17:24), our sons should see us fathers loving and treasuring Jesus.  God has implanted the seed of faith in us via the Holy Spirit so that we might be the farmer who nurtures that seed of faith in our sons.  We water the seed of faith by reading the Bible with them, praying with them, showing them mercy, correcting them, training them, explicitly teaching them about godly manhood, sharing stories of our follies and our right steps with them, and by our own preparation at night when they are asleep.

Almost a year ago, as I was fleeing a swarm of yellow jackets, I accidently twisted my ankle while running away.  I came into the house hot headed, humiliated, and hobbled.  I yelled, barked, and commanded assistance.  My children jumped, ran, cowered a little, and helped me.  The more I watched their demeanor, the more I realized I was communicating two things: getting stung by yellow jackets is a terrifying experience and that when you are hurt it is alright if you sin against everyone in sight.  Therefore, I repented to God and humbly asked my children to forgive me.  As they watched my ankle balloon and turn purple and black, their mercy and forgiveness was real and sweet.

And this principle, imitation, is the crux of child rearing, isn’t it?  Monkey see repentance, monkey repent.  For better or worse, our sons will watch and learn from us dads.  As they see us treasuring our Lord, they should also see us sacrificially serving our wives.

My sons watch me and assist me in loving the two most special ladies in my life: their mom and their sister.  As they have aged, they start to remind me about doing something special for these ladies!  This year seemed to be a landmark year; one of the boys asked, “Why don’t we get anything for Valentine’s Day?”  (Not that they did not get a special treat from Mom and Dad later, but the morning was all about the girls.)  The boys learned that men sacrificially serve without expecting anything in return.  This is the essence of biblical manhood: men love their wives as Christ loved the church – sacrificially serving the bride without expecting anything in return (Ephesians 5:25-31).  Boys have lots of other opportunities in this regard: holding doors for their moms, thanking mom for preparing a meal, thanking mom for doing laundry, thanking mom for working to pay for soccer sign ups, applauding mom’s decorating, writing mom a special note of thanks for the many things she does for him.  I can truly see that my boys get to taste the joy in treasuring these special ladies.

My father showed this love for his bride.  First, while I was not so good at being on time for dinner, he was.  He valued his wife by being on time.  He was diligent to help make lunches and clean the dishes.  Most times, from my point of view, he prioritized doing things for his wife before throwing a ball around with his sons.  In other ways he showed me this “put her first” value. While he may not have been thinking about Paul’s instructions to the Ephesians, he was showing them and teaching them to me practically.

Sons carry the family name when they leave. Will they reap a harvest which was sown for them when they were young? Parents, be sure to sow now (practice, model, cultivate) what you hope to be their priorities when they leave. May God bless the work of our hands!